Looking AT the windshield instead of THROUGH it

Prayer. It's been my focus as of late. I think I may have had a mini-breakthrough. I've already lamented about how prayer has always been a struggle for me and that I've been fighting to make it a more vibrant part of my life. I recently finished up A Praying Life by Paul Miller and found it to be a fresh perspective that left me feeling hopeful that perhaps progress can be made in this area of my life. In his chapter on listening to God, Miller uses a word picture that really struck me. He was actually using it in reference to elevating an experience with God over God himself but he said, "Without realizing it, we can look at the windshield instead of through it." All at once it hit me that that's what I've been doing with prayer. I want to pray "right," so I study the topic of prayer. I read books on Scripture. I read Scripture itself. I have books that give amazing testimony to the power of prayer. I get all "motivated up" and then give it a shot. I think, "Okay, now I know what the Bible says about it and the effects it can have, so let's do this!" And I fizzle out again and come out on the other side discouraged. Okay, so then Miller talks about how a "praying life" can look and gives some practical advice to get there. He focuses on Scripture and how it is such an important part of praying. He talks about finding passages of Scripture to help you "pray biblically" about specific circumstances. Not an idea that's completely foreign to me. Then it all came together in my mind: I left Scripture alone once I learned what the Bible said about the topic. I used my intellect and my emotions, but rarely the Word of God. Sure, I occasionally prayed through a Psalm as a praise offering or lament or let a passage (such as the Lord's Prayer) guide my praying, but for the most part, Scripture was not a part of the praying process. Enter confusion. I second guess myself as I pray because I don't know whether to pray "in faith" or pray "your will be done" or give it up all together because deep down I don't believe it does anything. Doest that make sense? I'm looking AT the windshield (theology of prayer) instead of THROUGH it? I then become paralyzed by the idea of praying correctly. Aiyayay! I've seriously been doing this for years!!!! He suggests something that I've embarrassingly never even thought of. Make my "prayer list" using Scripture. Novel idea. Here's how it looks: He has an index card for specific members of his family and areas of his life (people who are suffering, friends, non-Christians, church leadership, missionaries and ministries, cultural issues, work, co-workers, repentance, hopes/dream, etc.). He considers the things they need prayer for and then finds a verse or passage in Scripture to guide his prayer for that person. Brilliant! No more second guessing! (Or at least less of it, anyway!) I think it will make more sense if you read the book or look at my cards, so I'll give some examples. Isaac, as most two year old are, is struggling with obedience and whining right now. So here's what his card says: ISAAC Obedience- "Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right." (Eph. 6:1) Whining- "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation..." (Phi. 2:14-15) Salvation- "For 'Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.'" (Rom. 10:13) These are things I am praying for Isaac right now. Instead of just praying that Isaac won't whine (which in reality would really be a prayer for me because I can't stand listening to it!!!), I can pray that he would not whine for his character's sake and for God's glory; that he would grow up to be a blameless and pure child of God even in the midst of the evil going on in the world around him. Here's a personal card with areas that I struggle with and am continually coming back to the Lord for forgiveness and help. REPENTANCE Selfishness with others (especially Matt)- "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Phil. 2:3-4) Laziness in household responsibilities- "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men." (Col. 3:23) Pride-When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. (Prov. 11:2) That's about all the dirty laundry that I'm willing to share, but you get the idea. I have a lot of friends from Moody who are either on the mission field or are getting ready to go and this is my prayer card for them (some names are X'ed out because they're in sensitive areas and I'm not sure that it's good to have "missionary" next to their name on a public site). MISSIONARIES XXXXXX and XXXXXX Matt and Pam XXXXXX and XXXXXX Kevin and Alyssa Nate and Kelley "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Gal. 6:9) I LOVE it. My "prayer list" items don't change much, but the WAY I pray for those things do! Such a breath of fresh air! Miller doesn't pray through every prayer card everyday and he suggests using your designated prayer time to make these cards if you don't feel you have a lot of extra time (which is what I'm trying to do). He also gives a sneak peek into his prayer life and gives a real life representation of the 20-25 min. he spent in his "set aside prayer time" and what it looked like with interruptions and all. It was encouraging to me to see a guy who takes prayer so seriously yet doesn't spend hours in a prayer closet uninterrupted before God (not that that isn't AMAZING if you do it, but not extremely practical for me right now unless I were to get up in the middle of the night.) I'll once again recommend this book. It's not perfect, but it sure is a fresh perspective and unlike any other book I've read on the subject. That's all for now. I am still very open to suggestions and would love to hear how your prayer life works. For now, I'm grateful for the mini-breakthrough and pray that the Lord continues to work on me in this area of weakness.

So I must not be the only one...

In response to my recent post on prayer, my childhood friend, Amanda, recommended a book called, A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller. You know he's gotta have something semi-intelligent and engaging to say with a last name like that! :) So, I've been reading it lately and let me just tell you, I like it! It's fresh and real and could actually help me overcome some of my many prayer "issues." I don't agree with everything he says, but um... I'm kind of hard to get along with. I rarely agree with everything anyone says. ;) I'm going to write several posts about various things that have been eye-opening to me, but I wanted to begin with an excerpt that stated much more eloquently what I was trying to put into words in my last post. He begins his book with story about his teenage daughter who had lost her contact in the forest floor on a family camping trip. He said, "Let's pray," and her bitter response was, "What good does it do? I've been praying for Kim to speak, and she still isn't speaking." Kim is her younger sister who has autism and is unable to speak. He goes on to say this: Prayer was no mere formality for Ashley. She had taken God at his word and asked that he would let Kim speak. But nothing happened. Kim's muteness was testimony to a silent God. Prayer, it seemed, doesn't work. Few of us have Ashley's courage to articulate the quiet cynicism or spiritual weariness that develops in us when heartfelt prayer goes unanswered. We keep our doubts hidden even from ourselves because we don't want to sound like bad Christians. No reason to add shame to our cynicism. So our hearts shut down... The most common frustration is the activity of praying itself. We last for about fifteen seconds....and our minds are off on a tangent. We catch ourselves and, by sheer force of the will, go back to praying. Before we know it, it has happened again...Then guilt sets in. Something must be wrong with me. Other Christians don't seem to have this trouble praying. After five minutes we give up... Something is wrong with us. Our natural desire to pray comes from Creation. We are made in the image of God. Our inabilityh to pray comes from the Fall. Evil has marred the image. We want to talk to God but can't. The friction of our desire to pray, combined with or badly damaged prayer antaennae, leads to constant frustration. Complicating this is the enormous confusion about what makes for good prayer. We vaguely snese that we should begin by focusing on God, not on ourselves. So when we start to pray, we try to worship. That works for a minute, but it feels contrived; then guilt sets in again. In a burst of spiritual enthusiasm we put together a prayer list, but praying through the list gets dull, and nothing seems to happen. The list gets long and cumbersome; we lose touch with many of the needs. Praying feels like whistling in the wind. When someone is healed or helped, we wonder if it would have happened anyway. Then we misplace the list. Praying exposes how self-preoccupied we are and uncovers our doubts. It was easier on our faith not to pray. After only a few minutes, our prayer is in shambles. Barely out of the starting gate, we collapse on the sidelines --cynical, guilty, and hopeless. I could go on and type out the rest of the chapter to show how well he articulates how I fell (but I think even what I've already done is copyright infringement so I should probably stop :)) . If you connect with this, seriously, buy the book. If you don't, seriously, help me out! :) I'm about half way done with the book and am excited to write about what God has been teaching me about himself and me. I've got a long way to go, but I'm determined to not let this area of my life just slide anymore. Please pray for me... then maybe if I have a breakthrough in this area I can attribute my praying life to prayer itself! :)

Can't make the play...

I used to play basketball in elementary and middle school. I had everything going for me. I was pretty tall for my age. I actually enjoyed practicing. I would shoot 1000 shots a day (and keep track of my percentages) during the summer to get ready for the start of the season. I watched basketball. I checked books out from the library about basketball. I would eat, sleep and breathe basketball. I dreamed of being the first woman in the NBA (this was in the pre-WNBA days). I was gonna be an all-star. There was one problem. Everything changed when I got out on the court. I KNEW what to do, but I couldn't make myself do it no matter how hard I tried. My coaches would go over plays with me and tell me exactly what I needed to do. I was focused and determined until it was time to perform. Everything would quickly unravel as I clumsily tried to shoot an easy lay-up or foul some poor girl as I was trying to set a pick or worst of all just stand there with my arms in the air hoping that they would magically block a shot or score a winning basket. Needless to say, I moved on to track in high school because I found staying in one lane to be much less overwhelming.

That's how I've been feeling about my theology lately. I am a firm believer in the sovereignty of God. He is in control of all things. Nothing takes him by surprise. He predestined everything before the foundation of the world. He can look into the future and know exactly what lies ahead. I find such joy and peace in knowing that my God is powerful enough to do ANYTHING. He can heal or bring comfort. He can remove trials or allow them in order to help us grow. He works all things together for good... so I know that whatever he has planned, however hard it may be to accept at the time, is ultimately for his glory and my good. The bottom line: He is a good God who is in control and knows what lies ahead.

Beautiful theology. It brings a smile to my face and reassurance to my soul and... a mighty blow to my prayer life. Seriously, it's been pierced by the dagger of this truth and I fear that if it is not resolved soon, the wound may be mortal. I am haunted by the fact that I've taken this wonderful truth and used it to justify my sin. I have somehow chosen to emphasize the sovereignty of God in my life to the point that I feel prayer is useless. I use the word feel purposefully. I KNOW that that's not true. God's Word tells us otherwise repeatedly. But when it comes down to it, I haven't really internalized the idea that prayer is powerful. I WANT to. Oh how I want to! But, time and time again I sit down to talk with the Lord and I feel paralyzed and overwhelmed by it. I start out okay. You know, follow the ACTS model because that's the good Christian way to pray. A little praise here, a little adoration there. Yep. That's good. A little confession. Well, you know I stink at life in general, but you've saved me and wiped my slate clean. A little thanksgiving for that. Then some supplication. Ah yes, (crack knuckles) on to the good part. I get to ask for all my "stuff." I'll use a recent example:

"I pray for Mom to get this teaching job." (Wait! What if that's not God's will? How am I supposed to pray in God's will if I don't know what it is? Okay, revise statement.)

"I pray, that if it is your will, Mom will get this teaching job." (And then it all starts to go down hill. What was the point of that prayer? Well, I guess Jesus prayed that way. Okay, then. But we're also supposed to pray in faith, not double-mindedly according to James. Okay, revise again.)

"Lord, I pray for Mom trusting that you will open the eyes of the hiring staff to her abilities and provide this teaching job for her." (But what if she doesn't get it? Then I've prayed in faith in vain and that makes it look like God's Word isn't true. Hmm... better go back to the "if it's your will" clause... that's a little safer.)

"I pray, that if it's your will, Mom will get this teaching job." (Okay, on to the next thing.)

Repeat the above scenario, insert new request. And I'm bored. And God doesn't need me to do this. He knows what I need before I ask it. Does he really want me to go over the bagillion things that the world and I need physically and spiritually?

Ahhhhh!!! It's driving me crazy! I'm simplifying what goes on in my head probably more than I should, but the point is, I'm frustrated. I've tried having an organized time of prayer with lists. Boring. I've tried journaling. My hand can't keep up with my thoughts. I've tried spontaneity. I become extremely inconsistent.

Once again, I know that prayer is what God commands. But I'm tired of "willing" myself to do it. It's forced. Lifeless. I always think that when/if I grow in my walk with him, it will get better. And it does. A little. It's not that I don't ever pray or that I don't ever "feel" like doing it. It's just it often feels like more of a drudgery and less like I'm drawing near to my Savior and my God.

So, in light of my last post (that I'm coming to a point in my life where I realize I don't have all the answers and advice is a good thing), please help! I would love to hear how you pray and what motivates that prayer. I could use some encouragement and maybe some (gentle, please) reproof. If you have any insight or wisdom, please comment or send me a message. I would greatly appreciate it! This is not over and I plan to write more as the Lord works in my life in this area.