Perfect Parenting = Perfect Results?

Some of Isaac's newer catch phrases include,

"Stop dat!"

"Go away!"

"I don't want to!"

"No, Siyas, dat's mine!"

Endearing, really.

Last Sunday morning before we left for church, he dramatically threw himself on the floor and screamed, "Ow! Stop dat! Dat hurts!" while I wet down his hair to try to somewhat tame his wild, bed-head mane. I assured him that, in fact, it did NOT hurt and he only screamed all the louder, "Yes! It does!" When I told him I was done, he popped right up and smiled and ran to meet his daddy so he could get in the car for church. And I stood there shaking my head in defeat... I should have done something more. Talked, spanked, time out-ed, I don't know, but SOMETHING! Instead I thought, "Well, now he looks somewhat presentable and do I really want to discipline him and cause a meltdown five minutes before we leave for church? No. I'm just going to let it be." My parenting and reasoning at it's finest. So he went without consequences and sang us songs and talked to his Aunt Leah from the back seat all the way to church with wet hair slicked down... and we walked into church with a happy camper.

Some days, I don't feel like I parent well. Sometimes I even feel like MOST days I don't parent well. I'm too busy, distracted, tired, unwilling to deal with the consequences, etc. to do the job the way I should. The truth is, I'm just too downright sinful to get this thing right all the time. It's easy for me to chastise myself and try to pull myself up by the bootstraps and do better so I don't "screw my kids up." But God's been teaching me something.

I was reading a book a while back called A Proverbs Driven Life by Anthony Selvaggio (which is good, but dry...). Anyway, he ends his book with a section on parenting. He talks about God's method of disciplining and teaching his children. As I read it, I caught myself thinking, "Yes, but he's God, so he does all this perfectly. If I were perfect, then maybe Isaac would do what he is supposed to do." Then it hit me! NO HE WOULDN'T! God is my perfect Father and I am SO FAR from obeying him perfectly, it's shameful! For the first time I think I admitted that Isaac's sin nature and personality actually had something to do with how he turns out. OF COURSE, I have a huge role to play and OF COURSE, I'm held accountable for how I do this, but no matter how well I do it, I do not control how my children turn out. The recurring theme in my life lately has been pride, pride and more pride. I really have a hard time swallowing the fact that I cannot guarantee that my boys will grow up to be fine, upstanding citizens and more importantly, followers of Jesus Christ. When I say, really hard time, I mean, REALLY. HARD. TIME. It's NOT okay with me... for their sake or mine.

Which leads to another new theme in my life recently. Trust. Not so much trusting people here on earth, but trusting God. Let me explain. I would NEVER say that God is not trustworthy. Ever. But I LIVE like he is all the time. I am so self-sufficient. I try to figure it out on my own and try to guarantee the results I want. I have a hard time letting go and admitting that MY "perfect plan" might not be GOD's perfect plan. I definitely see this in my parenting. I shudder at the thought of rebellious children who don't love Jesus with all their heart and so I'm strict with my kids and try to control their environment to the point that there's no room for any other result but what I think is best. And I AM going to do my best to provide every opportunity for them to hear the Gospel spoken and to see it lived out in our home, BUT... I am trying to loosen my grip because I grasp in vain. My white-knuckled controlling heart will not guarantee my victory AND doesn't place the credit in the right place.

This lesson actually makes my heart sing for 2 reasons. One, God's children don't obey perfectly, mine certainly won't. Isaac is not a robot to be controlled, but a human being created in the image of God to be taught. This takes a little pressure off. I won't get perfect results. Perfect parenting (which is obviously impossible!!!) doesn't equal perfect results! And two, God is trustworthy and in control. I mess up and I'm going to continue to. It's not okay, but it is okay. Does that make sense? It's not okay that I don't always parent the way I'm supposed to. It's wrong and I'm responsible for it. BUT, God's in control of the end result and he will work in my children's lives in spite of my shortcomings. That is such a relief! And while I pray that there's a lot of less of the "No!'s" and the tantrums and the attitude, I will bask in the "Yes, ma'am's" and the hugs and the giggles and know that I'm just part of the story. To God (not me!) be the honor and glory for all that is accomplished in these beautiful boys' lives!

Turning 28

Last week I turned 28. Not really a monumental birthday, but it kind of has been for me. I've been reflecting the last couple of weeks about my life. Am I living it the way I want to? Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Maybe a kind of 1/3 Life Crisis, I don't know. It's sobering to me in many ways to realize that it's no longer, "When I grow up, I'm gonna..." I AM grown up now. I'm doing this thing called life, whether I'm ready for it or not. I don't get do-overs. I need to be doing it NOW; living it out fully NOW! Not living for the weekends or when Matt gets home or when the kids are a certain age and on and on. This may sound morbid, but our pastor has said, "You begin dying the second you're born." Sobering and true. I was reflecting on that recently while giving the boys a bath. Something about their exposed bodies always takes me back to the hospital room when they were born and it strikes me how quickly they've grown. Why do I wish my precious days with them away? As I reflected on all this... this "am I living the way I want to/ should?" I decided two things.

One, I must be getting old. I've never given much thought to this kind of thing before. I'm pretty sure only old people do. :)

And two, YES!

I feel I'm exactly where I want and need to be. That was so refreshing to me! Usually when I go into "over-analyze mode" I come up with some huge shortcoming that I begin to feel guilty about and work on. This is not to say I've arrived by any means. I have SO much room for improvement, but since Silas' birth, I have felt like a new person. Like I'm becoming me. I'm not perfect, but my heart is tender (at least more than it was) to the Lord. I desire Him in a way that I haven't in a long time. I'm embracing my role as a mother whole-heartedly. I'm letting go of the regrets of not being on the mission field or in ministry or doing any number of other things. I am in love with where God is taking my life.

I am truly, deeply happy.

It's been a while.

Motherhood has changed me, but not in the way I thought it would. I grew up always feeling like I had a "spotlight." You know, a place where I could look good. With church, I was usually considered a pretty good kid. My dad was a pastor for a while when I was young and my mom led the Children's Ministry at our church while I was in middle school and high school. With academics, I was usually one of the best in the class. I graduated as valedictorian in a class of about 450 (nevermind that there were 11 of us who claimed that title). Bottom line: people usually liked being my partner for group projects. :) My bosses always liked me. I did choir, track and was given numerous opportunities to earn a little praise in those areas. I've always had many avenues where I could put on a "show" and get a pat on the back. Motherhood isn't like that. I think it depressed me. No more pats on the back when I accomplished amazing feats like changing a diaper while talking on the phone and checking dinner. No one sees. Honestly, no one really cares. No one has come to me for advice on parenting, 'cause guess what? My toddler acts like all the rest of them! I realized I've been living my life for the praise of man rather than God. This has been a hard pill to swallow. But when I live for God... my audience of One... He's all the audience I need! Who better to get a "pat on the back from" so to speak. Oh to hear those words, "Well done, good and faithful servant" someday. I have purpose back. I have happiness back. I have my life back.

Wednesday was my actual birthday. It snowed... again... and church was canceled and I was inside all day and cleaned all day for our playdate on Thursday and ate grilled cheese for dinner... and it was one of the best birthdays I remember having in a long time. I don't feel like I have some sort of giddy happy, but this deep-seeded happiness that I've really rarely, if ever, felt before. I guess I just took one more baby step toward getting over myself. I have a feeling this is going to take a long time, but I'm so glad I've begun the journey!

Taking 1 step back so I can take 2 steps forward

I think so far this year I've taken one more step toward getting over myself. My ultra-spiritual self, that is. Somehow over the years, I put myself in a spiritual category to which I never live up. An intellectual Christian, or something like that. I like to read the works of these amazing men and women of the faith and imagine that by reading their stuff, somehow we're on the same level. These people set the standard high and I look up to their example. They are super-heroes in my book. They don't memorize Scripture by the verse or by the chapter... they memorize entire books at a time. They don't sit down to do their quiet time out of the NIV, they read it in the original language. They don't do touchy, feely, emotional studies, they parce Greek verbs, read scholarly commentaries and find the true meaning in the Text. Deep down THIS is who I WISH I was. And for a VERY brief time during my college years, it's who I was on the path to becoming. God put some amazing and very intellectual girls in my life whom I love dearly to this day. They challenged and encouraged me in these endeavors and it was a great time for me. Then something terrible happened. I graduated. I left my little bubble of security and had to wake up to a job serving coffee or decorating cakes everyday. I didn't sit in class and get spiritually fed and challenged all day anymore. I wanted to continue what I had begun, but felt paralyzed by the thought of it. I couldn't sit down to do a quiet time with the Lord without my Greek Bible, a good commentary and 2 different translations of Scripture. Then I'd sit there and journal as I read and feel numb. What if I were misinterpreting something? I didn't have my Greek partners to bounce questions off of anymore. I didn't have professors to correct my erroneous thinking. I wasn't ready to be out on my own. I felt I had just enough knowledge to be dangerous. I couldn't "go back" to the way I'd done Bible study before because now I "knew better;" yet the thought of continuing down the path I had begun paralyzed me. Fast-forward to today and not much has changed. Sure, I've had some times of growth, but the overarching theme of my last half decade has been a sense of dissatisfaction and guilt. Guilt that I'm not doing more. Not doing it the "right" way. But God is working. At the beginning of this year, my pride reared it's ugly head, only this time I recognized it for what it was. Hideous sin. My dear friend, Jen, asked me to join her and some of her friends in a commitment to memorize 24 verses this year. We would be joining Beth Moore's Siesta Scripture Memory Team. The first awful thought that raced through my mind, "Ha! Only ONE verse every TWO weeks! That's for amateurs!" Seriously people, I've got issues. To top it off, I got an e-mail shortly after encouraging me to start a plan to memorize the book of Ephesians over the course of the next year. Ooooh... very spiritual sounding and very tempting! In all seriousness, I do think that memorizing entire books at a time is an incredible goal, but the last time I memorized a verse was either through one of Isaac's kiddy cd's or one of the verses that our Awana kids have repeated to me about a millions times. I can't quite say which. The last time I actually made an EFFORT to memorize? Hmmm.... I'm gonna need a while to answer that one. So, I heartily agreed to join Jen and I'm so glad I did! I'm on my second verse and am already seeing the fruits of my labor. I'm trying to choose verses to challenge me where I'm at right now and let me say, the Holy Spirit has been (sometimes gently, sometimes not so gently) reminding me of what I've hidden in my heart. I took a "step back," but now I'm definitely moving forward. Another area I'm working on is taking time to be in the Word again. I'm pretty hit and miss to say the least. Another one of those things where since I can't do it "right" I just don't do it at all. Today I got up when Matt's alarm when off and read Philippians. No journaling. No commentary. I just read and savored the words. It was good... I plan to continue getting up and beginning my day with Him. I don't know what all that will always entail. I can guarantee I won't be whipping out the Greek Bible at 5am (though I am taking small steps to freshen up on that rusty area a bit), but I will strive to start my day with my Savior. Not super intellectual of me and I've taken a step at "step back," but am definitely moving forward. So, I guess the sum of it is: I'm simplifying my "growth methods" so that actual growth begins taking place again. Sigh. That feels much better!

Looking AT the windshield instead of THROUGH it

Prayer. It's been my focus as of late. I think I may have had a mini-breakthrough. I've already lamented about how prayer has always been a struggle for me and that I've been fighting to make it a more vibrant part of my life. I recently finished up A Praying Life by Paul Miller and found it to be a fresh perspective that left me feeling hopeful that perhaps progress can be made in this area of my life. In his chapter on listening to God, Miller uses a word picture that really struck me. He was actually using it in reference to elevating an experience with God over God himself but he said, "Without realizing it, we can look at the windshield instead of through it." All at once it hit me that that's what I've been doing with prayer. I want to pray "right," so I study the topic of prayer. I read books on Scripture. I read Scripture itself. I have books that give amazing testimony to the power of prayer. I get all "motivated up" and then give it a shot. I think, "Okay, now I know what the Bible says about it and the effects it can have, so let's do this!" And I fizzle out again and come out on the other side discouraged. Okay, so then Miller talks about how a "praying life" can look and gives some practical advice to get there. He focuses on Scripture and how it is such an important part of praying. He talks about finding passages of Scripture to help you "pray biblically" about specific circumstances. Not an idea that's completely foreign to me. Then it all came together in my mind: I left Scripture alone once I learned what the Bible said about the topic. I used my intellect and my emotions, but rarely the Word of God. Sure, I occasionally prayed through a Psalm as a praise offering or lament or let a passage (such as the Lord's Prayer) guide my praying, but for the most part, Scripture was not a part of the praying process. Enter confusion. I second guess myself as I pray because I don't know whether to pray "in faith" or pray "your will be done" or give it up all together because deep down I don't believe it does anything. Doest that make sense? I'm looking AT the windshield (theology of prayer) instead of THROUGH it? I then become paralyzed by the idea of praying correctly. Aiyayay! I've seriously been doing this for years!!!! He suggests something that I've embarrassingly never even thought of. Make my "prayer list" using Scripture. Novel idea. Here's how it looks: He has an index card for specific members of his family and areas of his life (people who are suffering, friends, non-Christians, church leadership, missionaries and ministries, cultural issues, work, co-workers, repentance, hopes/dream, etc.). He considers the things they need prayer for and then finds a verse or passage in Scripture to guide his prayer for that person. Brilliant! No more second guessing! (Or at least less of it, anyway!) I think it will make more sense if you read the book or look at my cards, so I'll give some examples. Isaac, as most two year old are, is struggling with obedience and whining right now. So here's what his card says: ISAAC Obedience- "Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right." (Eph. 6:1) Whining- "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation..." (Phi. 2:14-15) Salvation- "For 'Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.'" (Rom. 10:13) These are things I am praying for Isaac right now. Instead of just praying that Isaac won't whine (which in reality would really be a prayer for me because I can't stand listening to it!!!), I can pray that he would not whine for his character's sake and for God's glory; that he would grow up to be a blameless and pure child of God even in the midst of the evil going on in the world around him. Here's a personal card with areas that I struggle with and am continually coming back to the Lord for forgiveness and help. REPENTANCE Selfishness with others (especially Matt)- "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Phil. 2:3-4) Laziness in household responsibilities- "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men." (Col. 3:23) Pride-When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. (Prov. 11:2) That's about all the dirty laundry that I'm willing to share, but you get the idea. I have a lot of friends from Moody who are either on the mission field or are getting ready to go and this is my prayer card for them (some names are X'ed out because they're in sensitive areas and I'm not sure that it's good to have "missionary" next to their name on a public site). MISSIONARIES XXXXXX and XXXXXX Matt and Pam XXXXXX and XXXXXX Kevin and Alyssa Nate and Kelley "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Gal. 6:9) I LOVE it. My "prayer list" items don't change much, but the WAY I pray for those things do! Such a breath of fresh air! Miller doesn't pray through every prayer card everyday and he suggests using your designated prayer time to make these cards if you don't feel you have a lot of extra time (which is what I'm trying to do). He also gives a sneak peek into his prayer life and gives a real life representation of the 20-25 min. he spent in his "set aside prayer time" and what it looked like with interruptions and all. It was encouraging to me to see a guy who takes prayer so seriously yet doesn't spend hours in a prayer closet uninterrupted before God (not that that isn't AMAZING if you do it, but not extremely practical for me right now unless I were to get up in the middle of the night.) I'll once again recommend this book. It's not perfect, but it sure is a fresh perspective and unlike any other book I've read on the subject. That's all for now. I am still very open to suggestions and would love to hear how your prayer life works. For now, I'm grateful for the mini-breakthrough and pray that the Lord continues to work on me in this area of weakness.

Take a deep breath!

I have a lot of inner chaos. I want to be the best mom ever and spend lots of time with my kids, but feel guilty that I'm ignoring the loads of laundry, cooking and cleaning that needs to be done. SO... I try to be an awesome housewife and have a relaxing "haven" for Matt to come home to, but I feel guilty that the boys are entertaining themselves while I try to get everything done. I want to have a servant's heart and help those in my church and community when they have a need. I want to go with the flow and be available at a moment's notice to help them unpack, keep them company, bring them a meal. But I feel like my family suffers when I do it. They don't get enough attention from me and my house falls apart. SO... I try to fully invest myself in my family first. Of all the people God has placed in my life, I want to show them that they are the most important to me. But, they're a full time job and after a (short) while I start to feel disconnected from my friends and like I'm not involved in what's going on around me. I begin to think maybe I'm being selfish to be so inwardly focused that I can't see past these four walls. SO... I get antsy to be more involved at our church... do community groups, women's Bible study, hang out with the couples we're getting to know more. Get to know some of the girls I hang out with on a deeper, more spiritual level. BUT... I long for more quality time with Matt and the boys... just us... as a family. It seems like the moments we have together to just relax and enjoy each other are rare. BUT... I want to spend time with our extended families... both sides... I think all of the above are good things and if I could accomplish all of them, maybe I could near pefection! Perhaps I could write a book and become a millionaire. Ahh... but wait, I forgot to add that to my above list of things to accomplish. That might cause a glitch... Breathe in... breathe out. There's this impossible word always looming over my head: BALANCE. It seems impossible to me because I don't do it well. At all. I've said before... I tend to be extreme. When I get one thing figured out, I give it my all and everything else suffers. I thought women were supposed to be good at multi-tasking!?!? I have wild swings to correct problems and end up creating new ones. How do I get the pendulum to slow down and dangle somewhere gently in the middle? How am I supposed to be the perfect, well-balanced person that I want to be? I should probably start by realizing I'll never be perfect. Gulp! Realizing I'll always be sub-par is a little hard for me to swallow. Ah, but wait! I can get around this one! I AM perfect and not sub-par at all... well, at least when you bring Christ into the equation. I am covered in his blood and stand before him spotless. Really? Spotless? Like totally acceptable to God? I've always struggled with this one. I'm always trying to earn God's love... even though I've always been taught that salvation can never be earned and is by grace through faith alone. It's hard for me to swallow that I don't have to pay the consequences for my sin. Tit for tat, ya know? I do something wrong, something bad happens. That's how it works. I do something good, something good happens. I read my Bible, pray, etc... God loves me more. Horrible theology. I would put anyone in there place who came up and tried to pass this rubbish off as truth, yet I live it all the time. No wonder the Gospel isn't just for the unsaved. I need to hear the Good News of Jesus Christ everyday. I need to proclaim the gift of salvation to myself all the time. I am in constant need of a reminder of who I am without Christ and who I am with him. Thank goodness I can dwell on the latter part. I am blameless and pure because of what he did for me. My good friend Katie and I just had a conversation last week about how we used to think of the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) as more of an elementary part of our Christian walk. We thought of them as the outline to salvation... the story behind the cross. As we "matured" we moved on to Paul and his writings. More and more lately we've been brought back to Christ. Not just the Gospel message, but the teachings from the son of God himself. Why do we tend to look past them? So, another baby step in my Christian walk. I'm finishing up studying Proverbs and then it's back to the basics. The basics are essential and foundational... not just something to address and move on from. I want to immerse myself in the Gospels for a while. Remind myself of the teachings of the Master. Delight myself in the mystery, beauty and power of the Good News. Whoa! Major rabbit trail... but maybe there' s something to all of it. Can the Gospel help me be more balanced? Well, maybe. One thing I've noticed is that when I'm thinking more frequently on what Christ did for me, I tend to see things a little differently. Like... "Holy cow! I'm a really bad person and I can't believe he chose to save me from eternal damnation. He is so generous! He is so loving! He is so merciful! Wow! I didn't deserve it and now I stand before him as his beloved, blameless child." Now THAT is a gift from someone I can trust and love in return. And I begin to lean more on him. I pray more. I keep life in perspective more. I notice he's guiding my steps. Hmm... that might be a good way to approach balance. Have God help me make my decisions. That's a brilliant thought! :) So what would that look like? I don't know. Maybe I'll listen to the Holy Spirit and some things on my "good list" will happen and some won't. Maybe he'll guide me as he faithfully does when I seek him and I'll choose the right things to say yes and no to and the best way to use my time. I've always kind of lived with this unspoken motto guding the way I live: The Gospel... BUT life still happens. I think it's time to rearrange my thinking and my motto: Life happens... BUT the Gospel!

Losing Steam...

For the last few months, I've been so excited about life in general. I've enjoyed motherhood, my marriage and my relationship with God. It's been one of those rare times in my life when things just flowed naturally. I read the Bible just because I wanted to, not because I knew I needed to. I walked around the house with a spring in my step, whistling as I did laundry, changed diapers and cooked dinner. I found myself not getting frustrated with Matt very often (I love him with all of my heart, but he wakes up so stinkin' perky, that I usually have to try to balance him out with some grumpiness. :)) Over the last few weeks I've felt this surreal feeling begin to fade. I've tried grasping at the few straws that remain in hopes of holding on to this feeling forever, but, alas, I think I grasp in vain. As I laid in bed last night thinking, I told Matt that I needed something to write about. I actually have a million things I want to write about right now... things that I'm learning, but I have nothing conclusive or worthwhile to say about them yet. I'm at the beginning stages and I think it's going to be a while before I've got anything figured out enough to put pen to paper and make any sort of sense of what God's teaching me. But I want to be learning. I told God this morning that I want PASSION and PRODUCTIVITY. I feel like if I had those two things, I would get back most of what I feel like I'm losing right now. But how? My old method was to try harder. Set up a time for daily Bible study and prayer that became less and less passionate and turned out to be the exact opposite of what I was going for. My heart becomes disconnected and legalism sets in. Not really up for that right now... But, I'm not really willing to just sit back and watch all that the Lord has done in me recently fizzle out... So, I got up a little earlier this morning. Had some time to get prepared for the day. Showered, sorted dirty laundry, read a chapter in Proverbs, checked my e-mail and facebook, and now I'm writing. I like feeling like I get a chance to breathe before the boys wake up. When the Lord first revived my heart, I was staying up after Silas' early morning feeding and getting ready, working out, and just getting prepared for my day. Now, I usually get up in time to get ready, but it leaves me feeling like I'm playing catch up all day. I have a hard time accomplishing anything but taking care of the boys. No laundry, cleaning, errands, food... and then the house starts to feel chaotic because I'm always two steps behind. You can only ignore the mountains of laundry and lack of food for so long... When I get to this point, sitting down to read my Bible becomes low on the priority list because I'm barely keeping my head above water. That's been the last few weeks in a nutshell. So maybe my passion for God would get a boost if I actually had time to think clearly instead of "trying harder." I thought I'd never say this... but maybe cleanliness really IS next to godliness. (If you saw my home even on it's "clean" days, you'd understand that I'm using the word cleanliness very loosely here.) But I'm thinking maybe there's something to having my life organized enough that I'm able to have some still, quiet moments before the Lord. So maybe "Organization is next to godliness" is a better phrase or maybe even "Organization provides time for godlinesss" in my case. And maybe if I'm organized I can take better care of my family too. I know no other way to do this than to get up a little earlier. Sigh! So... less snoozing it is! This is my first attempt at getting back on track. We'll see how it goes... I'm only one day in and already I'm feeling more refreshed and excited about what the day has in store! Here's to learning and growing more!

So I must not be the only one...

In response to my recent post on prayer, my childhood friend, Amanda, recommended a book called, A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller. You know he's gotta have something semi-intelligent and engaging to say with a last name like that! :) So, I've been reading it lately and let me just tell you, I like it! It's fresh and real and could actually help me overcome some of my many prayer "issues." I don't agree with everything he says, but um... I'm kind of hard to get along with. I rarely agree with everything anyone says. ;) I'm going to write several posts about various things that have been eye-opening to me, but I wanted to begin with an excerpt that stated much more eloquently what I was trying to put into words in my last post. He begins his book with story about his teenage daughter who had lost her contact in the forest floor on a family camping trip. He said, "Let's pray," and her bitter response was, "What good does it do? I've been praying for Kim to speak, and she still isn't speaking." Kim is her younger sister who has autism and is unable to speak. He goes on to say this: Prayer was no mere formality for Ashley. She had taken God at his word and asked that he would let Kim speak. But nothing happened. Kim's muteness was testimony to a silent God. Prayer, it seemed, doesn't work. Few of us have Ashley's courage to articulate the quiet cynicism or spiritual weariness that develops in us when heartfelt prayer goes unanswered. We keep our doubts hidden even from ourselves because we don't want to sound like bad Christians. No reason to add shame to our cynicism. So our hearts shut down... The most common frustration is the activity of praying itself. We last for about fifteen seconds....and our minds are off on a tangent. We catch ourselves and, by sheer force of the will, go back to praying. Before we know it, it has happened again...Then guilt sets in. Something must be wrong with me. Other Christians don't seem to have this trouble praying. After five minutes we give up... Something is wrong with us. Our natural desire to pray comes from Creation. We are made in the image of God. Our inabilityh to pray comes from the Fall. Evil has marred the image. We want to talk to God but can't. The friction of our desire to pray, combined with or badly damaged prayer antaennae, leads to constant frustration. Complicating this is the enormous confusion about what makes for good prayer. We vaguely snese that we should begin by focusing on God, not on ourselves. So when we start to pray, we try to worship. That works for a minute, but it feels contrived; then guilt sets in again. In a burst of spiritual enthusiasm we put together a prayer list, but praying through the list gets dull, and nothing seems to happen. The list gets long and cumbersome; we lose touch with many of the needs. Praying feels like whistling in the wind. When someone is healed or helped, we wonder if it would have happened anyway. Then we misplace the list. Praying exposes how self-preoccupied we are and uncovers our doubts. It was easier on our faith not to pray. After only a few minutes, our prayer is in shambles. Barely out of the starting gate, we collapse on the sidelines --cynical, guilty, and hopeless. I could go on and type out the rest of the chapter to show how well he articulates how I fell (but I think even what I've already done is copyright infringement so I should probably stop :)) . If you connect with this, seriously, buy the book. If you don't, seriously, help me out! :) I'm about half way done with the book and am excited to write about what God has been teaching me about himself and me. I've got a long way to go, but I'm determined to not let this area of my life just slide anymore. Please pray for me... then maybe if I have a breakthrough in this area I can attribute my praying life to prayer itself! :)

Can't make the play...

I used to play basketball in elementary and middle school. I had everything going for me. I was pretty tall for my age. I actually enjoyed practicing. I would shoot 1000 shots a day (and keep track of my percentages) during the summer to get ready for the start of the season. I watched basketball. I checked books out from the library about basketball. I would eat, sleep and breathe basketball. I dreamed of being the first woman in the NBA (this was in the pre-WNBA days). I was gonna be an all-star. There was one problem. Everything changed when I got out on the court. I KNEW what to do, but I couldn't make myself do it no matter how hard I tried. My coaches would go over plays with me and tell me exactly what I needed to do. I was focused and determined until it was time to perform. Everything would quickly unravel as I clumsily tried to shoot an easy lay-up or foul some poor girl as I was trying to set a pick or worst of all just stand there with my arms in the air hoping that they would magically block a shot or score a winning basket. Needless to say, I moved on to track in high school because I found staying in one lane to be much less overwhelming.

That's how I've been feeling about my theology lately. I am a firm believer in the sovereignty of God. He is in control of all things. Nothing takes him by surprise. He predestined everything before the foundation of the world. He can look into the future and know exactly what lies ahead. I find such joy and peace in knowing that my God is powerful enough to do ANYTHING. He can heal or bring comfort. He can remove trials or allow them in order to help us grow. He works all things together for good... so I know that whatever he has planned, however hard it may be to accept at the time, is ultimately for his glory and my good. The bottom line: He is a good God who is in control and knows what lies ahead.

Beautiful theology. It brings a smile to my face and reassurance to my soul and... a mighty blow to my prayer life. Seriously, it's been pierced by the dagger of this truth and I fear that if it is not resolved soon, the wound may be mortal. I am haunted by the fact that I've taken this wonderful truth and used it to justify my sin. I have somehow chosen to emphasize the sovereignty of God in my life to the point that I feel prayer is useless. I use the word feel purposefully. I KNOW that that's not true. God's Word tells us otherwise repeatedly. But when it comes down to it, I haven't really internalized the idea that prayer is powerful. I WANT to. Oh how I want to! But, time and time again I sit down to talk with the Lord and I feel paralyzed and overwhelmed by it. I start out okay. You know, follow the ACTS model because that's the good Christian way to pray. A little praise here, a little adoration there. Yep. That's good. A little confession. Well, you know I stink at life in general, but you've saved me and wiped my slate clean. A little thanksgiving for that. Then some supplication. Ah yes, (crack knuckles) on to the good part. I get to ask for all my "stuff." I'll use a recent example:

"I pray for Mom to get this teaching job." (Wait! What if that's not God's will? How am I supposed to pray in God's will if I don't know what it is? Okay, revise statement.)

"I pray, that if it is your will, Mom will get this teaching job." (And then it all starts to go down hill. What was the point of that prayer? Well, I guess Jesus prayed that way. Okay, then. But we're also supposed to pray in faith, not double-mindedly according to James. Okay, revise again.)

"Lord, I pray for Mom trusting that you will open the eyes of the hiring staff to her abilities and provide this teaching job for her." (But what if she doesn't get it? Then I've prayed in faith in vain and that makes it look like God's Word isn't true. Hmm... better go back to the "if it's your will" clause... that's a little safer.)

"I pray, that if it's your will, Mom will get this teaching job." (Okay, on to the next thing.)

Repeat the above scenario, insert new request. And I'm bored. And God doesn't need me to do this. He knows what I need before I ask it. Does he really want me to go over the bagillion things that the world and I need physically and spiritually?

Ahhhhh!!! It's driving me crazy! I'm simplifying what goes on in my head probably more than I should, but the point is, I'm frustrated. I've tried having an organized time of prayer with lists. Boring. I've tried journaling. My hand can't keep up with my thoughts. I've tried spontaneity. I become extremely inconsistent.

Once again, I know that prayer is what God commands. But I'm tired of "willing" myself to do it. It's forced. Lifeless. I always think that when/if I grow in my walk with him, it will get better. And it does. A little. It's not that I don't ever pray or that I don't ever "feel" like doing it. It's just it often feels like more of a drudgery and less like I'm drawing near to my Savior and my God.

So, in light of my last post (that I'm coming to a point in my life where I realize I don't have all the answers and advice is a good thing), please help! I would love to hear how you pray and what motivates that prayer. I could use some encouragement and maybe some (gentle, please) reproof. If you have any insight or wisdom, please comment or send me a message. I would greatly appreciate it! This is not over and I plan to write more as the Lord works in my life in this area.

Did I ask for your opinion?

I'm getting into taking advice lately. This is a new thing for me. I'm a pretty proud person and I usually think I have it figured out. If I don't, well, then YOU certainly aren't the person to help me. (Sometimes I'm embarrassed when I re-read the things that pop into my head and realize how arrogant I sound.) So, I tend to try to figure things out on my own by over analyzing every single aspect of my life. (True story, ask Matt.) I figure out the best way to approach babies' sleeping schedules, how to make my hair look "fuller" without buying expensive product, how to do the least amount of cooking possible and still technically have a home cooked meal when Matt gets home. And the list goes on and on and on. I spend hours trying to solve mine and the world's problems. Now that I'm convinced Isaac is smart, my recent OBSESSION has been his schooling. Yes, I now find myself constantly mulling over the best way to approach his education. I agonize over public schooling, gifted programs, private schooling and home schooling. It's not a bad thing to think through, but the child is only 21 months old and I act as if he's entering Kindergarten this fall. Matt says I should focus on teaching him to poop in the toilet first, but, you know, that's how I roll. So, back to taking advice. The Lord has really convicted me of my arrogance and know-it-all attitude recently. Got advice on parenting? That won't work for my children because, well, they're special, and the typical answers don't work for them. Got advice on how to get my pregnancy weight off? Um, cutting calories and excercise won't work for me because my body mutates extra effort into extra fat. It's a bummer, really. Got advice on following the Lord? Well, that's nice. You do know I have a degree in Bible theology, right? Okay, so those might be slightly exaggerated, but I'm definitely not good at humbling myself and admitting that someone else (perhaps even someone my age or younger *GASP*) might lead me to the answers I desperately need. I've been reading through Proverbs lately and have been struck over and over again by how often the idea of wisdom and heeding advice or instruction go hand in hand. I've also been humbled as I've been reminded that being foolish and wise in your own eyes go hand in hand. I desperately want to be wise as I parent and live my life, but I'm going to have to get over myself and realize that God has the wisdom I need and sometimes he uses others to direct me to it. So, next time you have some insight into my situation, yes, I'm asking for you opinion!

Africa or bust!

Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of living in a hut in the bush of Africa. I would live like the people and tell them of Christ. When I was in middle school my best friend and I mapped out a course over the continent to reach all of the major areas in Africa during what we estimated would be our lifetime. (Go ahead, chuckle, I was in 8th grade.) The dream lived on and when I graduated from high school, I spent a summer in Tanzania. When I went to college, I began as a Linguistics major in order to begin learning how to do Bible translation. After a couple of years I realized that I have a really short attention span and am not really cut our for translation work, so I switched to Biblical Languages, but the goal was still misssions and Africa. I wanted to reach the unreached. I prayed about working with Muslims in northern Africa and prayed about working in the more remote, animistic tribal areas. There was no stopping me... Well, here I am, 5 years after graduating from a Bible school with the intention of doing full time ministry and what am I? A stay at home mommy! To tell the truth, sometimes it makes me cringe. My pride gets in the way and I get embarassed. I didn't hide the fact from ANYONE that I fully intended to be living overseas for the better part of my adult life. I can feel the blood rush to my face when I talk with someone who knew those intentions full well and then asks what I'm up to these days. I look at my amazing girlfriends from college and see how God is using them in ministry and I start to question if I'm doing what I'm supposed to. I don't feel like I'm doing anything too impressive for God. And therein lies the problem. My desire to be involved in Christian ministry over the years has not been wrong, but I do believe on some levels it was rooted in a desire to earn God's love and impress him. I'm a one extreme or another kind of person and so my natural tendency when I began to live my life for the Lord was to do the biggest, best thing I thought a woman could do for the Lord and I was convinced that was becoming a missionary. Surely if I were a missionary God would love me because you HAVE to be a good Christian to be a missionary. They're "super-Christians" and I wanted to be one of them. When I became less Africa-focused and more as-God-leads focused I began to think that perhaps children's ministry whether in the inner-city or the local church might be a good fit if I didn't end up overseas. I did just that for a while in college and for a couple of years after Matt and I moved back to Springfield. Then we began talking family and the possibility of me staying home. At first I panicked. What would people think? What would GOD think? I had never been too keen on the idea and was not sure that changing dirty diapers would fulfill my need to do something over-the-top and absolutely amazing for God. I knew he would not be impressed with my ability to juggle two children while cooking dinner, but he would have been floored by my ability to touch the hearts of unreached people in the bush. That would have blown him away, I'm sure! My fear had been that in doing the mundane, I would be a lesser Christian. So, what's a girl to do? I'm going to be at home for the forseeable future depending on how many children we have. I'm just an "normal" person. (Okay, I suppose that depends on who you ask.) We make enough money to have a home and nice vehicles but not so much that we don't have to pinch and go without the extras sometimes. My boys are both healthy and happy. I like my family (even my in-laws! :)). I have a wonderful marriage with a godly husband. All I need is the white picket fence and I'm set. This is NOT what I imagined for myself. Where's the adventure? Where's the amazing testimony? Where's the stuff that will really impress God? I've been coming to a place of peace for a while, but even more so in the past few months. Instead of half-heartedly parenting my kids all the while looking for some great ministry to be involved in, I've been trying to focus on the task that the Lord has put before me. Showing my family and those I come in contact with the love of Christ and praying that he will use me in their lives. Do I still hope that I can be involved in "official" ministry? Sure. Will I ever end up doing it as my vocation? Who knows. Will I board the first plane to Africa when I "retire"? Maybe. Here's to hoping! But for now, I need to quit mourning the adventures I'm missing abroad when I've got a whole realm of God-honoring adventures awaiting me within these four walls. Lord, grant me the grace to keep this perspective!

Would you like a little cheese with that whine?

Stop me in the grocery store or at the park and I'll proudly tell you that I get to stay home with my boys. Ask my husband, and some days I sound as if I've been handed a death sentence. He often hears about the "torture" I've endured throughout the day and it's not uncommon for him to be greeted after a long days' work with:

"You don't understand how hard this is. I don't talk to adults all day loooooong." (insert whiny tone here)

(I usually fail to mention the hour long phone conversation with my mom or the playdate I had earlier that morning.)

"It must be nice to get a lunch break!" (insert sarcastic tone here)

(The naps the boys take DON'T count)

"A mother's work is never done! I'm so tired!" (insert exasperated tone here)

(True, but when I worked outside the home, I had to figure out how to do laundry, go grocery shopping, cook, run errands and keep the house clean AFTER I'd put in my 40+ hrs.)

"I'd like to see you keep up with laundry with two crying kids at your feet all day!" after a completely innocent, "I'm out of clean socks." (insert haughty tone here)

(Um... did I mention that he was COMPLETELY innocent and only making a statement? He regularly helps me with the laundry without being asked.)

Needless to say, my pity parties are even starting to get on MY nerves! Seriously, I don't know what I try to accomplish with them. It doesn't make me feel better and it certainly doesn't do much to strengthen the bond between Matt and I that I claim holds such importance.

I've been working on having a better attitude about life the last few weeks. I've been sending Matt short e-mails about exciting, cute or funny things the boys do. That way, it's harder for me to convince him when he gets home how horrible my day was. :) The interesting thing is, that while I tell him these little stories, it makes me excited to look for another fun thing to tell him. I enjoy my day more! I also send him a quick e-mail when a day starts getting rough and ask for prayer. It's nice to know that he's going to my Father for me throughout the day and helps me feel like I have a partner helping from afar rather than going it alone all day.

Contentment is a major issue for me. I'm always thinking I'll be happy when (fill in the blank - the baby's born, Isaac can tell me what he needs, I'm done nursing, Friday gets here, I can fit back into my clothes, etc., etc., etc.) So, my resolve has been simple. "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." (Ps. 118:24) I like the song by FFH that says "Say hey, it's a good day, even if things aren't going my way. Jesus is Lord and I am saved, so, say hey, it's a good day." So true. Puts things in perspective for me. Toddlers and babies might be a lot of work, but who cares? I'm saved! I know it's not always that easy. Sometimes there are difficulties in life that instill agony and grief, but taking care of my two little boys is not one of them. In fact, it's a blessing!

My goal: Instead of having a pity party every time things don't go smoothly and posting a pitiful status on Facebook, I'm going to try and have a good attitude. I want to have an impact on the Kingdom, starting with my kids who see my every grumpy, whiny move I make. I'd like to show them what the power of Christ in me can do and pray that by having a good attitude in less that ideal situations they will know first hand that he's more than just a story, but a living God who changes lives. So, next time you talk to me and hear me being negative, I give you permission to say, "Would you like a little cheese with that whine?"

Extreme Home Makeover

I've just re-decorated our house and it only cost me $1.24! Thanks to my new mission to make Scripture memorization and usage a little easier on me, I now have multi-colored index cards plastered all over my house! I've placed them strategically. I have "Do everything without complaining or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe" above the crib in Silas' nursery so whether I'm standing there rocking him to sleep for 20 minutes or 2 hours, my chances of surviving without a Mommy tantrum greatly increase. I have the fruits of the Spirit posted on the wall in Isaac's room to help me remember to encourage and correct him with them. I have "The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother" on the cabinet above the dishwasher to help put in perspective the consequences of letting Isaac's misbehaviors slide (even when I'd rather pretend that I didn't just see him push the books in on the bookcase that he knows he's not allowed to touch.) I have "Shout with joy to God, all the earth! Sing the glory of his name; make his praise glorious!" posted above the light switch in my living room to remind me that it's okay to smile and be happy as I go about my day! I probably have around 10 of them now beautifully gracing the walls of our house and it has been WONDERFUL! On several occasions already I've been tired or frustrated or busy and a verse I've read while changing Silas' diaper or rinsing lunch dishes or putting Isaac down for a nap has helped me re-focus. Amazing what God's living Word can do, huh? Okay, so I'm not gonna lie, I don't like the index card in my living room. It's tacky. But, I have a solution thanks to my friend, Jen! She is super creative and took a decorative block of wood and covered it in chalkboard paint and put it on a cute stand to display a verse. So, I'm going to be a copy-cat and I'm buying all the supplies (one 40% off coupon at Michaels at a time). It's painful, considering I wanted it done yesterday, but in a couple of weeks, I'll have my own chalkboard that matches my decor on an end table with the verse of my choice on it. I can't wait! I grew up in a great Christian home, participated in AWANA, and memorized verses in college to earn my theology degree. I have memorized many verses over the years, but I've struggled with actually USING them in everyday life. I don't know how many times I've put a Bible verse on the mirror in my bathroom to help me memorize it or made flashcards to study in my free moments. Strangely enough, even with all the Scripture I've put to memory, this is one of the first times I've memorized with such a practical purpose. Everywhere I turn there's godly advice staring me in the face. Not the cutest thing I've ever done for my house, but totally worth it!

To die is gain...

I've been thinking about death a lot this past week. It seems to have surrounded me.

Friday marked the three year anniversary of my uncle's death (who often felt more like my big brother). He was killed in a car accident on his way home from work the day after Father's Day. I think it was the worst day of my life.

This week also marks the two year annivesary of when I was the sole witness of a horrific motorcycle accident and the young man did not survive. It still haunts me when I sleep.

Wednesday, Matt's great granmother passed away at the age of 104. Though she had lived a long life, it was still hard to see my family members grieve the loss of someone they loved.

On the three year anniversary of my uncle's death, some friends of the family lost their newborn baby girl who was only a few weeks older than Silas. I have wept for her mother and at the thought of what she must be going through.

Needless to say, I've had a knot in my stomach most of the past week. Death makes me sick! I hate it! As I've contemplated over it the last few days I've thought about how death came about as a result of the Fall. I know I would have done the same thing too, but I might have a hard time being nice to Adam and Eve when I get to heaven. We could have lived forever in perfect harmony with God had it not been for sin! (At least until we made it to 1983, when I was born and screwed the whole thing up!) :)

So then I started thinking about how great it must have been in the Garden of Eden. No sin. No death. Walking with God in the Garden. That would be awesome. And it makes me wish that I could experience something like that.

Then I think, I'm going to get to experience something even better. Heaven! And now I've come full circle. The only way to experience life without death, sin and perfect communion with God is to die! (Unless of course Jesus returns during my lifetime.) Now, I don't have a death wish or anything, but today I think I related with Paul better than I ever have before when he says, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain" (Phil. 1:21). Serious gain. I can't wait to be with Him one day!

Though it doesn't necessarily make it easier, I know that those who are in Christ and have gone before aren't sad at all! They get to worship at the feet of Jesus. These aren't new things I've learned, but it helps for me to think about them again in light of my week. I'm so thankful that I don't have to dread death and can be excited about what awaits me when God has fulfilled His purpose with me here on earth.

Why a Blog?

I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and put my two cents in.

Actually, I need something to help me process this process called life.

Maybe you need to process something too and this will help.

Maybe I desperately need your advice

Maybe I'll lose steam and quit making posts in a month.

In the last couple of months, since our 2nd son, Silas, was born, I've found myself with a renewed passion (or maybe a first time passion) to do this parenting this well. Not right, but well. I've made mistakes and will continue to, but at the end of the day, when my children are grown, I want to look back and feel like I did it as biblically as I could, given my sinful nature. I know in order for that to happen I not only have to have a renewed energy for my family, but a renewed energy for my own spiritual walk as well. So, I've been taking time to think and read and talk and now, write. I'm a slow learner and know that if I'll take the time to put what I'm learning into words, it'll probably sink in a little better. Why publish it? Maybe you can help me. Maybe you've got experience with what I'm processing and can encourage me or give some advice. Who knows? Maybe something I'm thinking through will help you.

Psalm 86:11-12 says:

Teach me your way, O LORD

and I will walk in your truth;

give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name

I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name forever.

I think I have a little ADD in me. I am easily distracted and have a hard time staying focused. I desperately want my focus to be on serving the Lord with an undivided heart and I think some of my other goals (such as parenting well) will fall into place. So here's to loving my God with all of my heart and all of my soul and all of my might! (Dt. 6:5)