Perfect Parenting = Perfect Results?

Some of Isaac's newer catch phrases include,

"Stop dat!"

"Go away!"

"I don't want to!"

"No, Siyas, dat's mine!"

Endearing, really.

Last Sunday morning before we left for church, he dramatically threw himself on the floor and screamed, "Ow! Stop dat! Dat hurts!" while I wet down his hair to try to somewhat tame his wild, bed-head mane. I assured him that, in fact, it did NOT hurt and he only screamed all the louder, "Yes! It does!" When I told him I was done, he popped right up and smiled and ran to meet his daddy so he could get in the car for church. And I stood there shaking my head in defeat... I should have done something more. Talked, spanked, time out-ed, I don't know, but SOMETHING! Instead I thought, "Well, now he looks somewhat presentable and do I really want to discipline him and cause a meltdown five minutes before we leave for church? No. I'm just going to let it be." My parenting and reasoning at it's finest. So he went without consequences and sang us songs and talked to his Aunt Leah from the back seat all the way to church with wet hair slicked down... and we walked into church with a happy camper.

Some days, I don't feel like I parent well. Sometimes I even feel like MOST days I don't parent well. I'm too busy, distracted, tired, unwilling to deal with the consequences, etc. to do the job the way I should. The truth is, I'm just too downright sinful to get this thing right all the time. It's easy for me to chastise myself and try to pull myself up by the bootstraps and do better so I don't "screw my kids up." But God's been teaching me something.

I was reading a book a while back called A Proverbs Driven Life by Anthony Selvaggio (which is good, but dry...). Anyway, he ends his book with a section on parenting. He talks about God's method of disciplining and teaching his children. As I read it, I caught myself thinking, "Yes, but he's God, so he does all this perfectly. If I were perfect, then maybe Isaac would do what he is supposed to do." Then it hit me! NO HE WOULDN'T! God is my perfect Father and I am SO FAR from obeying him perfectly, it's shameful! For the first time I think I admitted that Isaac's sin nature and personality actually had something to do with how he turns out. OF COURSE, I have a huge role to play and OF COURSE, I'm held accountable for how I do this, but no matter how well I do it, I do not control how my children turn out. The recurring theme in my life lately has been pride, pride and more pride. I really have a hard time swallowing the fact that I cannot guarantee that my boys will grow up to be fine, upstanding citizens and more importantly, followers of Jesus Christ. When I say, really hard time, I mean, REALLY. HARD. TIME. It's NOT okay with me... for their sake or mine.

Which leads to another new theme in my life recently. Trust. Not so much trusting people here on earth, but trusting God. Let me explain. I would NEVER say that God is not trustworthy. Ever. But I LIVE like he is all the time. I am so self-sufficient. I try to figure it out on my own and try to guarantee the results I want. I have a hard time letting go and admitting that MY "perfect plan" might not be GOD's perfect plan. I definitely see this in my parenting. I shudder at the thought of rebellious children who don't love Jesus with all their heart and so I'm strict with my kids and try to control their environment to the point that there's no room for any other result but what I think is best. And I AM going to do my best to provide every opportunity for them to hear the Gospel spoken and to see it lived out in our home, BUT... I am trying to loosen my grip because I grasp in vain. My white-knuckled controlling heart will not guarantee my victory AND doesn't place the credit in the right place.

This lesson actually makes my heart sing for 2 reasons. One, God's children don't obey perfectly, mine certainly won't. Isaac is not a robot to be controlled, but a human being created in the image of God to be taught. This takes a little pressure off. I won't get perfect results. Perfect parenting (which is obviously impossible!!!) doesn't equal perfect results! And two, God is trustworthy and in control. I mess up and I'm going to continue to. It's not okay, but it is okay. Does that make sense? It's not okay that I don't always parent the way I'm supposed to. It's wrong and I'm responsible for it. BUT, God's in control of the end result and he will work in my children's lives in spite of my shortcomings. That is such a relief! And while I pray that there's a lot of less of the "No!'s" and the tantrums and the attitude, I will bask in the "Yes, ma'am's" and the hugs and the giggles and know that I'm just part of the story. To God (not me!) be the honor and glory for all that is accomplished in these beautiful boys' lives!

Confessions of a Cartoon Addict

Okay, so I've been dreading posting this. Mostly because I'm afraid you'll judge me. I really like people to like me... and I'm pretty sure that, well, you'll think I'm less cool after reading this. I keep reminding myself that the reason I started this blog is to help me grow. Step one of resolving an issue is admitting there's a problem. So, let me introduce myself. Hello. My name is Desiré and I'm a cartoon addict. I am not personally addicted to the cartoons, but I am addicted to using them to make my day easier. I've struggled off and on with using it too much since Isaac was born. It seemed to peak when he was sick and I was gigantically pregnant. Then came Silas, and well, let's just say, I am able to "justify" lots of TV time now. My list of excuses goes soemthing like this: "I need to get a load of laundry in and the dishes done." "I need to feed Silas." "He needs to wind down before his nap/bedtime." "I need to get dinner going." "I need 5 minutes to myself (well, I may as well let him finish this show)." "It's too hot/cold/rainy outside and we've played with every toy he has."

I've always hated the TV. The main reason: it's almost always a waste of time! I don't think in and of itself the television is evil (though there is a LOT of sin portrayed on almost all adult shows and I'm finding more and more on kids' shows as well.) But let's say I have the self-control to only watch stuff that is not full of filth. Fine. But is it really a good usage of my time? Sure, it's fun to watch a movie every once in a while or catch a funny sitcom or game show here and there, but at the end of the day, I'm no better off for it. Even with the amount of TV I've watched to this point in my life, I'm embarrassed to be held accountable for it. What a shame to stand before the Lord someday and say, "Well, I watched 36,298 hours of television (almost 2 hrs. a day for 50 years) in my life, but I tried to do volunteer work once or twice a year." How many times have I used the excuse that I don't have time to do things, but sat on my butt and watched TV? What could I do for the Lord in my lifetime with 36,000 extra hours?!?

So, how did I get to this point with Isaac? When Matt and I first got married we owned a television, but had it in the closet and only got it out and plugged it in when there was severe weather. When we moved to Springfield, we set it up, but in our spare bedroom and tried to limit it to watching movies and 2 or 3 shows during the week that we enjoyed. When we found out we were pregnant with Isaac, much to my dismay, it moved into the living room. (Don't be impressed, it was mostly because I thought it looked tacky.) We invested in a nice flatscreen so that it wasn't such an eye sore, but I was none too excited about it. We watched it a little more then, but then Isaac was born and shortly thereafter we discovered his love for animation. Those of you who know much about my beloved son know that he was less than pleasant on many occasion when he was a wee one. We fell in love with the fact that a bright screen could save our ears and our sanity. He became hooked and so did we. Since then it's been a struggle to keep the amount of TV we watch in check. Matt and I watch NONE. (Well, sometimes he manages to squeeze a ball game in on the weekend during their naps, but that's about it.) Isaac on the other hand, is pulled by the magnetic forces that our TV apparantly has every time he walks by it. Seriously, the kid can't get near it without pointing to it and saying in his super cute toddler voice, "Pea, Mommy." (His way of saying please.) I've created an adorable monster! I've "weaned" him down to one show in the morning and one show in the afternoon on several occasions, but since Silas' birth, we've come undone.

Okay, so I'm not wasting my life away sitting in front of the tube, but my child is. (This gives me a lump in my throat and brings tears to my eyes as I type it.) I'm develping a horrible habit in him that will be very hard to break unless I help him get it under control. I was going to post this with my hands thrown in the air and desperately ask for your advice on what I should do. I thought, "I can't make it through a day right now without him watching TV." Then I was convicted. Can't or won't? Ouch. "Okay, Holy Spirit, I'll admit it, won't. I like how the TV makes my day easier, so right now I won't make it through a day without it, but I suppose there's a small possibility that I could. " Thus began Operation TV Detox. The television has not been on in our home since Thursday, July 15 at 9:30am other than to watch the Cardinals play on Sunday afternoon (through which we slept most of). And to my amazement, we're surviving!

Please don't think I am some holier-than-thou super woman. I don't judge you if you watch TV. I assure you that at some point (probably in the very near future) it will be watched again in our home. In moderation, I think the television can be relaxing, entertaining, and educational. We have gone to the extreme in order to reprioritze in our house. I'm pretty sure I can't do a great job of parenting biblically if Isaac is glued to Elmo, Superwhy!, and Curious George all day. I'm not going to lie, there have been a lot of meltdowns over the last week. I've been very tempted on several occasions to just give in and let him watch a show. We've read lots and lots and lots of books and played until my imagination has run dry. I've worked a lot harder than normal, but when I fall into bed at night exhausted I have a sense of joy and peace and accomplishment with how I spent my day with the boys. I'm not sure where this will all go and I think I need to decide before the TV comes back. For my sake, I need clear guidelines in place before I turn it back on. Does anyone have some standards in place that work well for your family? I would love to hear your input as our family continues on this journey of making wise usage of our time.

Replacing the Explicits

Isaac is now trying to repeat almost everything we say, so naturally it is time to remove the explicit language from our vocabulary. You know, 'c%&p,' 's#%ks,' 'st%#id,' and worst of all, 'f#t.' All the things you don't want your toddler going up and saying to a complete stranger. It may be fine for adults in some instances, but its less than cute in a 2 year old. So as we've tried to oust the bad, I've worked on replacing it with something good. One of my goals lately has been using Scripture to correct and discipline Isaac. It's been great and so far has been working out well for both of us. I'm calmer when I administer the punishment, so he's more responsive and I leave feeling okay with how it happened. My biggest concern with using Scripture to aid in his punishments though is that he'll become bitter toward God and His Word because he sees Him as the reason he's always getting in trouble. So, now I'm working on phase 2 of this process: Encouragement. Even as adults, we love to be praised and often love the people from whom the praise is coming. What a great way to help him fall in love with his God! The Bible can just as easily be used as a means of encouragement as it can for correction. A lot of times the same verses can be used both ways. So, I've been looking for opportunities to encourage Isaac lately. Just last week, he provided a perfect opportunity. He's been into puzzles lately. For a few days last week, he wanted to do them for a while right after he woke up from his nap. Though I enjoy helping him and watching him try to put the pieces in, it's often a short-lived activity that quickly turns into a meltdown. He usually lasts anywhere from 30 sec-5 min before he gets super frustrated that a piece is not cooperating and he can't get it in. He squeals with annoyance and throws the piece or knocks all of the pieces that he's already done out. On this particular occasion, he did every puzzle he had (about 5 or 6) without incident. He worked patiently and diligently until he'd done them all. The opportunity almost passed me by. I was sitting there thinking, "Wow! I can't believe he hasn't flipped out yet! He's being so patient. Good. Maybe he'll be in a good mood this afternoon." (Sigh of relief and contentment). And then it hit me, or probably more likely, the Holy Spirit did. PATIENCE! Oooh! Oooh! Here's my chance! So I said, "Isaac, you are doing such a good job of being patient with your puzzles! Did you know you honor God when you're patient? That's one of the fruits of the Spirit! Good job! Mommy is so pleased when you show patience!" And he beamed. I'm sure he didn't understand it all, but he got the idea that the way he was playing was a good way to play and the right way to play. Since then, I've been looking for opportunities to compliment him when he's displaying a behavior or attitude that is pleasing to the Lord. He loves my praise, and when it's Scripturally based, I love giving it! I've been able to find instances where he's shown almost all of the fruits of the Spirit and have used more general verses like Ephesians 6:1 to thank him for being obedient to me. Once again, it's been a huge blessing to me as I parent and gives me more peace when I have to correct a behavior as well. Replacing the explicits in our home has been one of the most enjoyable parenting processes yet!

Not so quick on my feet...

I love running! I've been trying to get back into it these past few weeks after the birth of Silas. I'm training for a 5k and can't wait until I get that "I'm in shape" feeling back. I was a sprinter in middle school and high school and transitioned into longer distances in college. I've even run a couple of half marathons (though not well and I don't really enjoy them). I've always been physically "quick on my feet." That's why it pains me that when it comes to spiritual sharpness, I often blank. I'm about as slow as they come. So I'm trying out this whole biblical parenting thing and I've committed to use God's Word to guide the way I discipline. Isaac provides me with numerous opportunities everyday to practice! He's such a good helper! :) We've been working lately on not throwing things in the house. Bless his little heart, he's having a hard time with it. A few months ago we were encouraging him to throw the balls to us and cheered wildly when he threw it straight down and it landed 2 feet in front of him. He's progressed a little since then and his toys ricochet around the room with one quick swing of his arm. So, what once was greeted with cheers and applause is now met with a firm, "No, no!" At one of his recent pitching practices, I decided to let him know that he needed to stop while using my new biblical approach. "Isaac, please don't throw your car. It's not (pause)....kind. Yeah. And.....um.... God wants you to be............(longer pause)kind. That's what the Bible says." (Cringe.) Come on, Desiré! You've got a degree in Bible theology and that's the best you can come up with? Yeah, like I said, not so quick on my feet. So I've been compiling a list to help me out. If you're impressed with the list, don't look at me, I'm a copycat. I went through "Don't Make Me Count to 3!" by Ginger Plowman and "The Well-Versed Family" by Caroline Boykin and found what I could use for Isaac in their books. They have a plethora of Scripture you can use in parenting your child and tons of examples of how to practically make it work. A lot of it would be over Isaac's head right now, but there are plenty of verses that can speak to his heart already. I've honestly been blessed as I've been speaking God's Word to him recently. Ephesians 6:1-Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Galatians 5:22-23- But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Matthew 5:16- In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Proverbs 15:1- A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Luke 6:31- Do to others as you would have them do to you. Proverbs 20:11- Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right. I think it's important to not only use Scripture as a means of discipline, but also as a means to encourage Isaac. I'm going to blog more about that soon, but I want to use these verses not just for correcting, but for teaching (in a positive way) and encouraging him as well. I'm excited to add more to my list as I come across them and as Isaac matures and begins to understand more! Please comment with any verses that you have used or think a toddler would understand that I can add now! As I practice speaking the truth of the Bible to him, I pray that it becomes more and more natural for me. I hope to get back into spiritual shape and become "quick on my feet" when I'm given opportunities to run to God's Word.

Watch your tone, young lady!

It seems inevitable.

I wake up and decide, "Today, I'm going to be a good mom!"

Then it happens.

Isaac begins a temper tantrum because there's a sticker stuck to his sock.

Seriously?!?!

Then Silas starts to cry because he's been doing "tummy time" 2 minutes too long.

Okay, deep breath!

"It's okay, Isaac, Mommy will help you!" as I roll the baby over.

Then the full-blown meltdown begins because big brother's not too happy that little brother got helped first.

Aiyayay!

Be a good mom. Be a good mom.

I rush over to save Isaac from the attack of the killer sticker and he kicks me with his free leg.

And I lose it.

"Isaac Steven! You do NOT kick Mommy! Do you understand me? That's a bad boy!"

(Whack!...tears).

Then I console and cuddle him and sigh. This is going to be a loooong day.

And I'm immediately discouraged.

Am I doing the right thing?

How on earth do you parent a toddler well?

I've been constantly second guessing myself with Isaac as he's gotten older. How much does he understand? One day I decide he understands most, if not all, that I'm telling him to do and find myself being very strict with him. The next day I'm not so sure and I let a few things slide. I think we're making progress in an area and then he proves me wrong in the grocery aisle for all the world to see my shortcomings as a mother. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting until he gets "old enough" so I can parent him "right." I feel like I'm in this weird transition time where I know he needs to face consequences for his sin, but I don't know how to do it well. I just wish I had a little more confidence in my approach instead of this trial and error, frustrating, floundering approach.

A few days ago, I was reading/re-reading "Don't Make Me Count to Three!" by Ginger Plowman (which I highly recommend) and came across something that showed me that even though I may not be able to know without a doubt how much he does and doesn't understand, there is something that I WASN'T doing the right way. In her chapter, "Guidelines on Verbal Correction" she says "You are ready to reprove your child biblically when you can speak to him in a normal tone of voice and with carefully measured words: 'The heart of the righteous weighs its answers but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.' (Prov. 15:28)" Yikes! There's not been a whole lot of "answer weighing" going on in this Mama's house lately. One reason is because I'm proud. There's a certain "type" of parent I don't want to be. You know the ones. Their child throws their toy out of the cart at Target and mom says in a sing-songy voice with a smile on their face, "No, no, honey, that's not nice" as her child proceeds to throw their other toy out with their other hand. Um, hello! Ineffective! I'm WAY better than that. I'm a no-nonsense kind of mom. I get right up in his face and tell him no like I mean it and let him know that he's exhibiting inappropriate behavior and hope that the intensity in my voice puts the fear in him that it should. And then he throws his other toy out of the cart with his other hand.

So, I gave it a shot today. Isaac has this annoying habit of screaming just for the sake of hearing himself scream. He started it up at lunch today and in a calm voice, I told him to stop and that the next time he screamed, he would get a spanking. Two seconds later, a shrill yelp escaped his lips and I calmly walked over and told him, "Mommy told you not to scream. You disobeyed me. You are to honor Mommy and Daddy and because you didn't Mommy has to spank you." I took care of his punishment and we finished eating. He didn't scream again (until after his nap, of course!) Not a perfect success, but maybe with practice we'll get better. Could it have been "luck"? Perhaps. Will it work every time? I highly doubt it. Did I feel better than I usually do after I have to punish him? Much!

I want more than anything to show a godly example to my sons and I'm pretty sure I can't do that well when I'm yelling at them for disobeying me. I was amazed by how well using the wisdom found in God's Word worked. (I know, I know, I really am a slow learner.) The punishments were the same, but because I took a second to think about my response to the behavior, I left the situations feeling more confident that I had done the right thing. It was a good feeling. I could get used to this. So, next time I'm tempted to raise my voice and let Isaac have it, I pray that the Holy Spirit gently reminds me, "Watch your tone, young lady!"

Elmo, Mickey Mouse and Jesus

"Melmo! Melmo!" (my son's name for Elmo) is a sound that can be heard multiple times a day in our house. He likes to watch Elmo, read about Elmo and even sleeps with a little Elmo doll. He loves him and can spot him in any store a mile away. Mickey Mouse comes in at a close second. When he's tired of watching Elmo, he'll request "Mimee" (which we have on video). He can name or point out all of the characters and when he hears the first two notes of the "Hot Dog Dance" he begins to jirate and move his body in robotic type convulsions that I think he believes is dancing. And then there's Jesus. He can point him out in his picture Bible and even frequently repeats his name when we talk about him, but despite my best, preschool friendly reading voice, full of enthusiasm and expression, I can barely get him to listen to a whole story. I am disappointed, frustrated and feel like a little bit of a failure as a Christian mother. Part of me wants to blame it on someone else. You know, the infamous "THEM." In this case we'll call THEM the Christian toy industry. Why can't they make better age appropriate things for my child? I find it annoying that the only toddler friendly Bible board books are on Noah's ark. "Maybe if Isaac could play with his Bible stories the way he plays with his Elmo books, he'd like them better," I think to myself. THEY should make some books like that. "Maybe if their videos weren't so stinkin' cheaply made and boring, he'd request those every once in a while." THEY should work on that. "Of all the 'Christian' junk marketed towards children, why, oh why isn't there anything that can actually help me do a better job of conveying who God is in a way that a one and a half year old can understand?" THEY definitely need to get going on that. Maybe some believe that he's too young to start learning the truths of God's Word. I've always been a firm believer that kids can understand way more than we give them credit for. So, I've come up with a few ideas and so far the ones I've tried have worked great! 1. I want to continue to read stories from the Bible to him, but in order to help keep his attention, I'm enlisting the help of some puppets. My mom helped me find some great ones online that I used while I was a preschool teacher at http://www.1888toys.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=2691. I'm going to start with the Jesus and Noah puppets in order to get started and cover the most stories with the least amount of money. (I'm going to use the Noah puppet for multiple Old Testament characters).

2. I've heard of lots of people doing "theme days" with thier kids based on letters, colors, animals, etc. It's a great idea! I'm going to try to do a Bible theme day once a month. For example, I might try to do a Jonah Day and have some activities planned for the day that reinforce the Bible story. We could read the story of Jonah from the Bible with our puppet and watch the Jonah Veggie Tales movie. For lunch, we could have fish sticks, goldfish crackers and Swedish gummy fish for dessert. We could play with water animals in the tub or pool. We could color a picture of a whale or large fish with crayons, markers or paint. The entire day would be spent talking about Jonah and the lessons learned from his life.

3. I've enlisted my mother to work on the toddler board books. If I can keep my babies young for just a little while longer, maybe I can benefit from them. She's one of the most creative ladies I know and I know she would do a great job at writing some kid-friendly versions of stories from God's Word that stay true to the text. In the meantime, I found a few Bible board books that I like at Mardel:

-My First READ and LEARN Bible (I like this one because the stories are several pages long with only a sentence or two on each page.)

-The Baby Bible Stories about Jesus (I like this one because all of the stories are about Christ.)

-My Great Big God (I like this one because the stories are put to rhymes and are fun to read aloud.)

Please feel free to comment with any ideas that you have or some things that you've tried with your own kids. I'm all ears!

Now, lest you think I'm trying to advocate that the Bible needs "help" to be interesting, you misunderstand my point. I know that on some level I'm not going to be able to make every biblical lesson I teach my children "kid-friendly." I know that for YEARS people have just used the Bible and nothing else to teach their children all they need to know about him. I hope to not be adding to the idea that everything has to be made bigger and better. All I know is, there are a lot of things already pulling for my young boys' attention. I just want Jesus to outrank Elmo and Mickey Mouse in this house and I (not THEM) need to get going on that!